My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
