wrigley field is MILF paradise
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
