On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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