you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
