I wish I could punch you in the face.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
