i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
