dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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