Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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