Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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