drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
