i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
