Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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