new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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