See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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