I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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