You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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