Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
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