It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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