i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
