my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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