i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
