so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
