just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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