I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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