Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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