theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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