I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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