I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
