So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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