i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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