Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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