Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
