someone threw a dead crab at me
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
My vagina just recognized that song.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
