She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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