I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
