Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
