Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
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