I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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