thus making me awesome and them whores
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
