Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
