dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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