Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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