your thong is hanging out like whoa
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
