The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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