I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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