she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
