I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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