So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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