i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
