My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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