I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
