Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just want to make out with him forever
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
