I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
