Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Randomize
